Spider Ballad

Big john Hales 

You’re having a laugh 

Scared of a spider 

In the bath 

but it's extra massive

bigger than a rat 

creating carnage 

like a vampire bat

hold on bro 

keep it sweet 

My cozy abode 

is down the street 

I’ll come and save ya 

So to speak 

mind your behaviour

please do try 

if s/he startsto slaver

it's cos s/he thinks you're a fly! 

try and be braver

you're never gonna die! 

Don’t be slow - quick!!

I hear you say

I’m arachnophobic 

Don’t delay 

Bring flame throwers 

And a tank

Mobilize soldiers 

Along the Unthank 

You’ll need atomic 

Bombs at least 

I’m going to vomit 

This ones a beast 

Twenty six eyes 

A thousand teeth 

I’m telling you bro 

His dripping fangs 

Are an inch or more 

He’s ripping tiles up 

From the floor 

He’s gonna wind me 

In his barbs 

Squeeze me slowly 

With eight arms 

Suck my juice out 

I’m strapped uptight

Like a shuttle 

On its fire fly flight 

But my demise 

Won’t be so quick 

When I’m tortured 

By an arachnid 

Quick o quick 

O heck o maither 

I’ll be devoured 

By this horrible spider 

Help me brother 

Come a come a down 

It’s sting is furry 

It’s teeth are brown 

He wants to hurt me 

He really does 

He may look furry 

But he’s a thug 

Hell’s Arachne

Satan’s spinner 

Means to have me 

For his dinner 

But lo salvation 

Arrives in time 

Friend-o-kill appears

To spray the fiend 

With Hale’s of bullets

to quell your fear

it's big as a sheep 

I must admot

i put it to sleep

s/hes spun its last knot

'Twas hell out there 

I carry on yelping

but luckily there

Big John was helping 

From under the stair 

while hell broke out

van helsing's jam jar

completed the rout

Now black widow’s 

Down the drain

We’ll never see it’s like again 

Stay away spidie 

You and your thugs 

Listen to me kids 

Don’t do drugs! 

--

03/04/20